


Pink Isn’t Your Color

by arizonia1, GintaxAlvissforever



Series: Super Smash Colors [2]
Category: F-Zero (Video Games), Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Crossover, Epic Fail, F/M, Falcon Punch, Gender Issues, Humor, Implied Relationships, M/M, Original Character(s), Punching, Theft, political correctness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3777973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arizonia1/pseuds/arizonia1, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GintaxAlvissforever/pseuds/GintaxAlvissforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Falcon isn't pleased with all the complaints about the color pink outside of Smash. This leads Captain Falcon to one conclusion. The only way to get rid of sexism is to punch everyone who decided to celebrate the color pink that very day. [Smash Comedy Month]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pink Isn’t Your Color

**Author's Note:**

> This is the other part to Arizonia1’s story, “We’re a Chuckster”. This is what happens, when you want to make fun of Tumblr’s hive mind and their lack of research on any subject ever (political or not). Enjoy!

In a world where things have gone over the deep end, one man must rise when everything has failed.

His name was Douglas J. Falcon. He was a racer that wasn't recognized for his racing skills as time went on. He was known for being the hammy fighter that everyone loved to see patriciate in Smash Brothers. He was now known for his association with the flames and always knowing how to put up a show even if he never won a major tournament. He was a crowd favorite in Smash Brothers, but those who remember him racing wished he would get back into the Blue Falcon and race on the high speed track again.

Something that some people were aware of was that over the years, Douglas had become empathetic to those around him, but it wasn't necessary a good thing because that meant he was easily tricked and easily influenced into do something stupid. This was one of the days where the Smashers wished he wasn't as gullible as Sonic's friend Knuckles.

There was a mass hysteria going around in Smashopolis. Palutena called it the "outrage culture" in which people will get offended over everything. It was just a matter of what they wanted to be insulted about and how they wanted the people they were angry with to change whatever they were upset about (in other words, censorship).

The topic of rage this time around was the color pink. Apparently pink was a sexist color to wear because it represented femininity and that put women below men who were meant to wear blue or some crappy logic like that. They wanted to ban pink from the mall and anyone who wore pink should be ashamed of themselves. The amount of facepalms from the logical people were at an all-time high and while Hot Topic was known for selling black, they sold pink just to annoy those who were easily offended (and then they wonder why there favorite customers who will not be named were not shopping there during the latest controversy).

Viridi thought it would be hilarious for all the Smashers for that one day to wear pink just to see what these idiots would do. The reality was these people who were complaining had no power for what the Smashers did, so they could wear pink and they could just cry about how they were letting the patriarchy win or something (Dark Pit did ask what that word was and Pit simply said that it didn't exist). The best part was that even though Viridi suggested the idea, she wasn't going to wear pink. Then again, anyone who had a pink costume in Smash didn't really have to participate in the event. They just had to acknowledge that yes pink was an okay color to wear regardless of gender and no, it didn't make you less of a person for wearing pink of any shade.

Of course, Captain Falcon was dumb though. He listened to the complainers and let his mind be corrupted by this logic. They cried crocodile tears to him and told the F-Zero racer their sob stories about how pink oppressed them and he believed every single word instead of doing his research to see all the flaws in these tall tales. If Hades was around, he probably would have joined in for the lulz while turning around and laughing with the Goddesses about how lame these people could get. Captain Falcon was not one of them. When he finished speaking to these people, the racer decided that he would deal with the Smashers who were participating in this patriarchal act of wearing the color pink.

"Captain Falcon will change the world. Captain Falcon will make sure that those who wear pink will pay!"

And when he got indoctrinated, Captain Falcon started talking in third person. This was already a bad sign for the Smashers and with his declaration did his power level go up to unreachable levels. His Falcon Punch outside of battle was strong enough to send them to outer space if they weren't careful. Then again, the author of this story was going to make sure everyone who wore pink was probably not going to keep their wits up.

* * *

The first victims of Captain Falcon's madness were going to be the trio from Pop Star. Everyone from Kirby's world was known for having a pink color of some sorts because it was cute and matched them dearly. The irony was that even though people whined about how pink was sexist for women and it made men homophobic, apparently Kirby and his crew were immune to this criticism because reasons. This would not stop Captain Falcon from taking his rage out on them.

Kirby was just being an adorable little puffball today. He was pink and there was nothing he could do to change that. Meta Knight was trying to get Kirby to stop being cute and to focus on his sword skills while DDD was trying to order them both around to bring food to his room. It wasn't Villain Appreciation Day so the two Star Warriors didn't have to obey him. He would whine about how he wished Bandana Dee or Escargoon were here to treat him like a king, but as long as he was in the mansion and they weren't fighters (the former in particular) he would have to do everything himself. Then again, Meta Knight did remind him that DDD could just go to Smashopolis, pay for a room for the two and then have them come to the mansion. This was too much work for the King of Dream Land though and the conversation ended right here.

Kirby saw Captain Falcon heading their way.

"Hii!" Kirby greeted with his usual adorable taunt.

There was no greeting from Douglas though. His fist was already burning ready to make the little Star Warrior his first victim. Meta Knight raised an eyebrow noticing something was wrong.

"Douglas, is there something on your mind?" Meta Knight asked. His only response was the racer suddenly charging toward Kirby with a Falcon Punch ready.

"FALCON PUNCH!"

Kirby blinked before he was sent flying into a star. The ceiling above him broke leaving the image of Kirby behind.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

DDD had to admit that this surprise attack was hilarious and just laughed while Meta Knight took out his sword ready to punish Captain Falcon for what he just did.

"What are you doing?"

"TODAY, SEXISM WILL END! FALCON PUNCH!"

In any other story, Meta Knight would have blocked the powerful punch. Not only did the nerf in the Smash game prevent him from doing this, but the author sure as hell wasn't going to make Meta Knight a badass.

"Impossible…" Meta Knight murmured as he joined Kirby up in space where the stars glittered immediately afterward leaving only DDD left.

"Ha-ha-ha! That was great! You really know how to keep a king entertained when even Meta Knight can't stop you!"

"You're next."

"…What?"

"FALCON PUNCH!"

DDD's eyes bulged out of his sockets when he was punched in the gut. He wondered if he was going to throw up today's lunch from the power of falcon punch. Captain Falcon wouldn't be around to see him hurl. The universe suddenly would find itself grossed out if they were to travel space.

"Three down…many more to go!" Falcon declared to himself as he marched on. "Captain Falcon should have said ladies first, but that is impossible! Now Captain Falcon will make it possible!"

None of the girls were safe from Captain Falcon and that was the most unfortunate. Ending sexism meant getting rid of both genders that continued to reinforce stereotypes. Peach, Zelda and Samus were having a nice chat in the kitchen dinner about how it was a great idea to get back at the audience who continued to complain to the Smashers about the colors they wore when they were in a Smash match.

Falcon had no problem coming out of nowhere with a Falcon Punch ready and punching the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom into the stratosphere. Her scream was enough to get Mario's attention that came rushing to the kitchen.

Zelda was too slow to demand what Captain Falcon was doing. She too would be joining Peach shortly afterward. Samus while more successful at dodging a few punches and grabbing his arm so he wouldn't try to throw a quick punch at her.

"Seriously Douglas, what is your problem?!"

"Captain Falcon must end sexism! Sexism ends when pink is removed from the mansion!"

Samus rolled her eyes as she prepared to taser him into unconsciousness. "Really, you're actually listening to the idiots who don't like my jet boots? I got them from a friend. Is that a problem?"

"YES!" Captain Falcon declared as he suddenly charged up a Falcon Kick to send her flying. Samus didn't think the Falcon Kick was capable of the same properties and would get him back when she was done flying off in space without her Vaira Suit (hopefully, Rosalina was catching everyone. Some Smashers didn't do so well in space).

"Falcon, what are u doing?" Mario asked in rage. "What did you do with Peach and the other ladies?"

"Captain Falcon destroyed the pink they had on. They will never be accused of having internalized sexism again!"

Luigi, Link and Toon Link were behind the Italian plumber. They were equally confused at the F-Zero racer.

"…Did he snap?" Toon Link had to ask. "He's talking in third person…he never talks in third person…"

"I am kinda worried…" Luigi mumbled as he noticed that Captain Falcon was readying his falcon punch again. "Mario…I think he's going to pawwnnch…"

Too late. Mario was known for having a slow reaction time when it came to sucker punches. He was quick to dodge Link when he came down for the kill that one time, but that was because Link made his presence clear to the Italian plumber. Now, he ended up in the same situation as the three female Smashers being punched through the roof. Link finally noticed how the ceiling above had Mario's body figure along with Peach, Zelda and Samus. Luigi would join that ranking as Captain Falcon rushed over to the younger Italian and did more of a raptor boost than a Falcon Punch.

"Awwwww nooooooo!" Luigi cried as he could be heard turning into a star.

"Oh…he's gone too…" Toon Link murmured as he immediately hid behind Link. "I'm scared! Protect me!"

"H-Hey! D-Don't hide behind me!" Link cried out as Captain Falcon glared at the two Hylians. "D-Douglas, I know you're still mad that I took your position in Mario Kart 8! I mean, I know you want to get back to racing and you'll go slower for that but…"

"…Captain Falcon will settle things in Mario Kart with you another time. For now, great justice must be done in the mansion! Ta-ta!"

Honestly, the two Hylians had no idea what to expect seeing Captain Falcon charge off to another section of the mansion. Really, they were both glad that they didn't have a pink costume, but now the two wondered when their Smasher friends were going to come back on their space journey.

* * *

The next people to get tormented were the children of Smash Brothers Mansion. Most of them hung out in the back of the mansion and if not there, they would be playing video games on the second floor.

Naturally, Captain Falcon only needed to get a few of them since most of them didn't wear pink. They had the good boy mentality that boys shouldn't wear pink therefore they knew what it was like to be a man.

That didn't stop Captain Falcon from dash grabbing Ness when he left the video game room with K and hoisted him up in the air.

"Wahhh! What are you doing Falcon?!"

"Do you have a pink outfit?" Captain Falcon asked immediately as he prepared a Falcon Punch. "Tell me you have one."

"No! This is purple! Put me down! Why would I wear pink?"

"You call?" Pink asked as she suddenly appeared behind K who actually looked rather worried seeing Falcon drop his friend on the ground. "I kept hearing people say Pink all day."

"…That is not your name."

"Huh?"

K backed up seeing the racer's body set itself on fire. How this was possible? Even the Villager children were unable to explain this phenomenon. Falcon immediately turned to Pink and suddenly grabbed her by the shirt.

"Your name is no longer Pink if Captain Falcon has any saying in this!"

Pink felt her life flashing before her. Just staring into Falcon's eyes made her see white and nothingness. She thought she had seen it all before, but apparently she was wrong.

The first thing he did was punch Pink so hard that the pink fell out of her hair causing her to shriek. Everyone just looked at the pink that was on the floor as if it was blood. She looked ready to cry as she looked over at the seven other Villager children who suddenly appeared to circle around Captain Falcon. He was not fazed at the looks that these children were giving him as he held Pink into the air with white hair now.

"Captain Falcon may have shown Link mercy for taking Captain Falcon's spot in Mario Kart 8, but Captain Falcon will show no mercy to you! You are no longer named Pink! You are now Blank!"

What kind of stupid name was that? Pink really wanted her friends to help her out but they all raised their arms in the air like they just didn't care.

"Blank…" They all said at once.

Ness was officially creeped out by them, but he found it better to just run off once he saw the racer throw the pink Villager into the air and punch her so hard that it sent her flying into space. Would she make it back? Nobody would know, but the other seven Villagers treated this incident as if Pink were reborn. Oh she would not be a happy camper when she returned.

"Captain Falcon is now done here…now Captain Falcon will now go to the next target!"

As he declared this, he ended up doing a powerful Falcon Kick that went through the hallway. The other children playing in the room decided that it was best to run while he had his back turn and not remembering some of them had pink on as well. In the process of moving via kicking, he ended up kicking Alph who was simply walking through the hallway with Olimar and the Pikmin. Olimar's eyes opened wide seeing Falcon murder the Pikmin again as he hit Alph and continued to kick to the next location.

"This is why we are not friends!" Olimar shouted with the Pikmin ghosts hovering around him and ascending to heaven.

* * *

After punching Alph, Captain Falcon searched for his next victims. Fox, Falco and Sonic were in the clear given they avoided having a pink alternate costume. Sonic was just glad that he didn't listen to Master Hand's suggestion of his blue color being changed to match his friends. He didn't want a costume that was based on Amy Rose (and he didn't want Fox to think any less of him). Megaman was also safe and the racer just rushed past the blue bomber like any other day. Pac-Man too was safe simply because Falcon never bothered to look at his mittens to see if there was even a light tint of pink.

Captain Falcon knew whom he needed to punch next. Jigglypuff was the other pink puffball and she hung out in the Pokémon section of the mansion. This was on the opposite end of the mansion where the assist trophies and other Smashers resided.

The trainer of Greninja, Calum was trying his best to stop the balloon Pokémon from singing and putting everyone to sleep. She had an audience and she wanted to improve on her singing. If she didn't sing, she would use hyper voice. It was either everyone dropped to the floor tonight or the glass in the room would shatter.

Pikachu was licking the ketchup bottle as usual. Lucario leaned against the wall with Greninja who was meditating. Charizard was nowhere to be seen, but according to Red, who was stroking the fossil of Lord Helix in his hand, Charizard was with Mewtwo who was picking up a returning veteran.

When Captain Falcon stormed in, Red immediately turned to him with a huge smile on his face.

"Falcon, you're here! Perfect timing!" The Kanto trainer hummed as he held Lord Helix to the racer's face. "Calum won't join in on the chanting, so I'm hoping you will with me."

Red wasn't expecting Captain Falcon to grab Lord Helix from his hand and nearly crush it. Lord Helix was proving to be more powerful than the F-Zero racer was participating, so he couldn't crush the fossil in front of him.

"F-Falcon…what are you doing?"

"Red…religion is dead." He told the Kanto trainer with a cold expression. "It is time you open to progressiveness."

It's not like Red could ask him what the hell he was talking about. He felt his face was being hit by a powerful force. All he knew was that he grabbed the Helix Fossil before being sent through the roof.

"WAAHHH! BIRD JESUS, SAVE ME!"

"NO BIRD CAN BE GOD!" Falcon shouted as he charged toward Jigglypuff and gave her a Falcon Punch. Calum was quick to move out of the way so he wouldn't be punched for no reason. He could only stare in horror as the F-Zero racer charged toward his frog Pokémon and Falcon Punched him from his position sending him straight flying like Red and Jigglypuff.

"WHAT THE HELL?! MY GRENINJA!"

Lucario opened his eyes to glare at Falcon for attacking his partner. Falcon turned his back on the aura Pokémon seeing his mission is done.

"All pink has been eliminated from this room. Captain Falcon will now look for the next triggering Smashers."

As Captain Falcon left, Calum only chased after him a little bit screaming at the top of his lungs, "EVERYONE HAS A PINK TONGUE YOU DUMBASS! IF YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH THINGS THAT ARE PINK OR STUPID, PUNCH EVERYONE INCLUDING YOURSELF!"

* * *

The list of Smashers getting sent to space for wearing pink or had a pink palette swap continued on. Both Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong were taken out even if Diddy tried to hoo hah him for even laying a finger on his tail. Yoshi was sent flying soon after (and will probably help Mario once he sees him floating endlessly in space. Wario thought he would be safe but the one outfit that looked pink got him sent flying. Captain Falcon could be heard groaning in disgust hearing a fart sound after punching him. Would Wario stink up the galaxy where the other Smashers were? Well, it wasn't his problem. They had it coming.

The Koopalings weren't spared either. Some of them had run off hearing Captain Falcon, but he only needed to go after three of the seven of them. Wendy was obviously on his list along with Roy and Lemmy (who was trying to dye his hair to something that didn't have pink strands if it meant not meeting the same fate as Pink.) Captain Falcon had a spat with Roy before sending him flying in the air.

"And tell the other Roy that Captain Falcon said hi!"

In another part of the mansion, Pit could be heard complaining about his pink outfit to Lucina and Dark Pit. Unlike the other Smashers who happily participated in the backlash just to get back at the audience who always complained about their choice in attire, Pit loathed his pink outfit more than anything. In the Brawl era, he was already teased for being like Cupid (although Pit reminded them that Cupid would rather be called Eros since the Roman names were just asking for backlash). Now Palutena insisted on a pink outfit that would be used for Valentine's Day or whenever he was playing matchmaker. The concept of helping other's in romance disgusted him and it just made Pit want to tear it up and be like Shulk who would run around half naked as an alternate costume.

"Seriously, why do I have to wear this all day?! Pittoo, switch with me!"

"Uh…no. I like this color thanks." Dark Pit told him rather quickly.

Dark Pit's alternate costume wasn't something as girly as Pit's pink one. Instead he had an outfit that changed his skin color to look identical to that of a demon. He already looked like a fallen angel and/or devil, so this outfit just further proved the comparisons. Dark Pit avoided it simply because he didn't want to look like one around Pit, but if he was going to be embarrassed wearing pink, then he could change into the outfit that gave him the power to darken his skin. Lucina didn't mind regardless.

"Uh…but you look a lot like that damn brat…" Pit growled.

"You mean your fiancé? That's not my problem. Just a coincidence."

Pit wasn't really convinced with his younger twin's argument, but he had to admit that anything that resembled his fiancé sent shivers down his spine. 500 years he would have to wait before that kid was legal, but anything that resembled him being older only made him worry about the inevitable future he had with him.

"Besides…" Dark Pit stopped walking down the hall with the other two. Staring at the ground was his passing time all of a sudden. "…I don't want people giving me those looks…if I were to wear pink…"

The two understood what he was talking about and decided to drop the subject. Lucina walked over besides the dark angel and gave him a reassuring smile.

"Dark Pit, you know if anyone tried something, Pit and I will be the first one to stand up to you. No one wants to deal with my Falchion after all."

"Or want an arrow to the butt and have them falling in love with the patriarchy." Pit mocked causing both of them to roll their eyes at how stupid the comparison was.

The trio suddenly froze hearing a loud Falcon Punch. While Dark Pit was looking ahead and the other two Smashers turned around to see what the black angel was looking at, they could see R.O.B. trying to get away from the racer. He wasn't quick enough as Falcon caught him, threw him into the air and then did a Falcon Punch in the air to send him flying.

"BEEP! PURPLE!" R.O.B. could be heard beeping.

"Captain Falcon's eyes do not lie! That is purple!" Captain Falcon insisted. It was getting to the point that if it looked even slightly pink that you were going to be punched into the infinite space above.

"Well, someone snapped." Pit snarked as he took out Palutena's bow and pointed it toward the F-Zero racer seeing the taller man approach the three. He stood in front of Dark Pit specifically in case Captain Falcon tried anything funny. Lucina had the same mindset with Falchion in hand. "Douglas, what the hell are you doing?"

Captain Falcon didn't even bother explaining himself. Pit cursed his slow reflexes in that moment because he thought for certain that he was charging for the dark twin.

"FALCON PUNCH!"

Pit was punched so hard in the stomach that it might as well have felt like he got punched by Little Mac's KO punch. He screamed as he was sent flying to the Golden Land in comparison to the other Smashers (and this is only because the Golden Land had this nasty habit of pulling angels into their realm).

Dark Pit screamed when Pit was punched not because of the violent action against his older twin, but because he felt the same pain Pit had. He ended up falling to the ground withering in pain causing Lucina to crouch down next to him.

"Dark Pit!"

"Uh…Pit…I feel for you…"

Lucina was ready to attack Captain Falcon now who was too close for comfort.

"What is your problem?!"

"Captain Falcon gets asked that all day. Captain Falcon intends to end sexism."

"Stupid! If you attack Pit, then you hurt Dark Pit!"

"Some casualties are needed to end sexism."

"What kind of nonsense are you spouting you…"

"You have a pink color. Captain Falcon will have you joining Pit."

Lucina wanted to bring up that technically one was a really dark pink closer to red and the other was closer to purple than anything, but Captain Falcon would hear no more excuses at this point. The female lord wasn't as lucky as she was during that one time where she got overwhelmed by Falcon when he attacked her and Chrom. She attempted to counter his punch and send him flying out the window, but the physics of her counter did not apply outside of Smash especially since he could have very well broken Falchion if she tried.

"GAHHHHHH!"

She would be joining Pit in the Golden Land for some strange reason. Those two might get a souvenir perhaps.

"L-Luci…" Dark Pit murmured weakly as he struggled to get away from Captain Falcon. Fortunately for him, he had no pink palette meaning that the racer would simply dash right past him and look for his next target.

* * *

There was someone who was also complaining about the holiday, but it had to do with the fact that he lacked pink rather than being forced to wear pink. Rob was that tactician who was good at battling like his older twin sister Robin but unfortunately for him, she stood out more probably because she was cuter than him therefore he was always in her shadows. He was unlucky (or rather lucky as he will soon find out) that he didn't have a pink costume. Because he and his sister shared the same character slot, they had to divide the colors evenly meaning they had less of a choice of what to wear than other Smashers only equaling to Mr. and Ms Fit along with Olimar and Alph. You had Bowser Jr. and the Kooplings and the Villager children who couldn't change because they all represented one slot on the character select screen, but they weren't affected by this rebellious event at all.

Rob was still being teased for not participating because all his colors were "try-hard" colors of obvious "toxic masculinity" that people like to shout. Rob didn't even know what these people were talking about when they worded it like that. He was already made fun of for not being manly enough in the roster full of "manlier men" when he could argue that the angel twins and Marth were twinks. The mockery he got from the audience didn't help either and he was finding himself retreating into the darkness more so these days. It was nice that Shulk wasn't one of those people that made fun of him. In fact, he and Dunban did not seem to understand what this whole controversy was about and just agreed to wear pink (although Dunban was nowhere to be seen. It was for the best since he wouldn't be a victim of Captain Falcon this way).

"Come on you two, stop teasing Rob." Shulk told Robin and Chrom the third time today. "There is nothing wrong not wearing pink."

"You would be cute like me though." Robin said with a cute smile as she poked her brother's cheek. "You would be able to dye your hair like me."

"I only have green, blue and black hair dye, sis! Its going to stay that way!"

"But you can't make a Red Robin joke without red, you can't get girls if you don't have blond hair dye and you can't be this adorable without pink." Robin told him. "Chrom married Olivia for her pink hair."

"Umm…there is more to it than her pretty hair…" Chrom grumbled knowing what Rob's insult would be.

"You married her because she gave you a lap dance." Rob growled. "Thanks for making the rest of us do the work in that battle."

"Hey! I was the one who defeated Gangrel."

"After he nearly Levin Sword me to death…"

"Well, you should be careful to not be alone with him and get a sword stuck up your ass!"

"T-That certainly did not happen! Sis, you were there! Tell him the truth!"

Robin was enjoying this and burst out laughing. This alerted Captain Falcon to who his next targets were as he rushed over to them. Shulk saw a vision in that moment of him and Robin getting punched by the veteran Smasher and being sent flying to another dimension where they get punched back to where they are now. There will be a lot of damage done to the both of them as a result. Shulk immediately shivered as he grabbed Robin's shoulder trying to get her to stop.

"Umm…we should leave…now Robin…"

Rob wasn't pleased that his roommate's hand was on his sister for multiple reasons. Robin looked to him in confusion.

"Huh? Why?"

"He is coming…"

Shulk's warning came to late as Captain Falcon immediately zoomed toward Robin with a Falcon Punch ready to go. A good tactician is always prepared. Robin had said this multiple times and yet she couldn't take her own advice when he went straight to her and punched her in the stomach. Good thing she was pregnant with Morgan yet…

"I WAS CARELESS!" She screamed as she was sent flying.

"R-Robin…" Chrom stuttered in disbelief.

"Sis?!"

Captain Falcon turned to Shulk now. The Monado boy stepped back ready to turn tail and flee. In his world, it was okay to run away from opponents who were stronger than you or were wasting your time. Captain Falcon was both and without the Monado (which was apparently either in his room or was with Alvis), he had no hope of protecting himself.

"This isn't good…" Shulk whispered to himself as he tried to leave but Captain Falcon immediately dash grabbed him. "Oh no…"

"Trying to run away from Captain Falcon? NO ONE EXPECTS THE CAPTAIN FALCON!"

"Uh…spare me…"

Rob and Chrom didn't react on time when Shulk was thrown upward and then met with a Falcon Dive. Shulk panicked looking the inquisitor in the eye.

"No." He says darkly as he lets go with a massive explosion sending Shulk upward before going up and then Falcon Punching him. "YES! FALCON PUNCH!"

"HEY! THIS WASN'T IN THE VISION!" Shulk cried out, as he would be following Robin to wherever she was headed.

"CAPTAIN FALCON CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE!"

Chrom was beyond pissed now seeing his best tactician and friend being sent flying. If he found out that his daughter was one of the victims, Chrom would have been able to break the cycle of this story. Unfortunately, Captain Falcon lost count on how many Smashers he actually sent flying to become shooting stars.

"Rob, stay back!" Chrom ordered getting in front of the male tactician fearing that Falcon would go after him after the female tactician and the seer were defeated by this insane power. "Falcon, you and me! I will not be humiliated by you again!"

Falcon glared at Chrom. He was not on the list of people to purge. Still, seeing him angered him more than anybody who wore pink. He was the only person he enjoyed beating up. He wanted the Ylisse King to grovel at his feet.

Rob couldn't really help Chrom though. He had no weapons because he had no intention of fighting today. He probably looked like a scared animal to his friend seeing as how Chrom was actually protecting him.

"In any other story, you might stand a chance against Captain Falcon. However…"

Chrom may have blocked his blows with Falchion and pushed him away effectively (he had every intention of trying to stab him in the chest), but it would not be enough to defeat this brainwashed man.

"Captain Falcon will be victorious!"

"You speaking in third person is annoying." Chrom told him simply. "Honestly, get your head examined!"

These insults did reach Douglas hence why he hesitated when Chrom charged him again. Falcon grabbed the arm with Falchion and prepared to punch him so far that he would not come back unlike the other Smashers.

" **I**  do not appreciate those insults."

"Huh? Did you just-guhhhhh!"

Any remembrance of that one awesome scene from the F-Zero anime would be used here where one punch was strong enough to obliterate his enemy. Chrom was resilient so even if he were sent flying while on fire, he would still be alive in space. Rob didn't think that though especially since now he was alone with the psycho. He backed up against the wall seeing Falcon approach him.

"Uh…get away…" Rob mumbled weakly feeling that he would join his friends soon. "I didn't wear pink because I didn't want trouble…"

"…Seriously?"

"Y-Yes…"

"Then Captain Falcon has no business with you. Captain Falcon will now proceed to kick the asses of the other remaining Smashers wearing pink!"

The white haired mage continued to tremble even when Captain Falcon dashed off to his next victim. Tears threatened to fall down his eyes, but one thing came to mind that he had to say as he felt his body give up on him and fell to the floor.

"I survived this madness…"

* * *

Captain Falcon was going by this mentality that if he was going to kick everyone's ass with his moves, he was going to do it to the dog (and duck) too. Banjo and Kazooie were just loafing around when Captain Falcon came out of nowhere and sent them both flying.

"I'll kick your ass! I'll kick the dog's ass!" He declared as he charged over to the infirmary where some of the Smashers should have gone if they returned from their space journey.

Dr. Mario wasn't expecting to be attacked when he answered the door.

"Douglas, what do you need? A check up because you need to check in?"

"I need you to check out!" He announced proud of his pun before sucker punching Dr. Mario when he turned his back thinking that it was nothing out of the ordinary. "Never turn your back on the inquisition! Wait…Captain Falcon is not part of the inquisition! Captain Falcon is changing the world! And to change the world, Captain Falcon must reach for the sky!"

By sky he simply meant going to the fifth floor of Smash Brothers mansion where the Hands and the two Goddesses stayed. The F-Zero racer did hesitate for a minute while climbing up the stairs. He was passing judgment to everyone in the mansion who wasn't wearing pink, but going after a Goddess might send him straight to hell. Palutena was in charge of heaven after all and attacking her was almost a trip to see Hades.

However, Douglas was reminded that religion was dead. Therefore, the opinion of a Goddess didn't matter. His mission was about progression in society and the end would be getting of the two Goddesses who also wore pink. The question was how to deal with them.

Why, Falcon would deal with them the normal way of course! The minute he reached the fifth floor, he witnessed many Lumas playing together happily unaware of their tragic fate. One of them noticed Douglas and floated over to him happily. That Luma was sent flying to Comet Observatory. The rest would soon follow until they decided to barricade the door seeing how Falcon might hurt Rosalina.

"What is going on?" Rosalina could be heard as she attempted to open the door.

"Rosalina, stay in there! There is a crazy man on this side!" Polari could be heard shouting before he was about to get punched. "Welp…there I goooooooooo!"

Polari followed the other Lumas back home allowing Rosalina to open the door confused at the black Luma's warning. She didn't need to open it because Falcon forced the door open causing her to step back still puzzled.

"Douglas?"

Captain Falcon could see the other people that were in the room. It wasn't just the two ladies. Ganondorf and another man that the racer had never seen around the mansion were in the room chatting with the two lovely ladies. His fists were on fire as he gave Rosalina no time to get out her wand and hit him with it like that one time she JV3ed him.

"FALCON PUNCH!"

Rosalina was only fast enough to grab the man with silver hair and purple eyes near her. It almost felt like Rosalina expected this to happen and that if she was going to be sent to the Comet Observatory, she was taking this man with him. The young man was obliviously not pleased with how fast they got sent flying. Only these words came from his mouth.

"Thanks Obama."

Both Palutena and Ganondorf were not amused by this sudden rudeness. They probably should have seen it coming with how there was screaming and smashing on the bottom floors that Palutena was certain that Pit was one of those who were screeching like a bird.

"HA-HA-HA! GO HOME SPACE GIRL…AND GAY MAN!" Captain Falcon announced with a cheeky grin on his face.

"…What is this Law and Order?" Palutena grumbled.

"There's certainly no justice in his actions." Ganondorf mocked as he stood up. The King of Evil was sitting on the Goddess of Light's bed the entire time. To move from his place after watching Palutena brush her long, soft hair agitated him. "I do not know what you are planning, but I will warn you. Do not cross me. If you want a battle of the fists, I will certainly defeat you."

Palutena doubted that Ganondorf would actually be able to do something. It felt like anyone who was capable of dealing with the F-Zero racer was prevented from defending his or herself. She sighed as she stared at the 4th wall with a disapproving glance.

* * *

A few minutes later, Ganondorf and Palutena were sent flying straight to the Golden Land. Captain Falcon laughed seeing as how he had officially gotten rid of anyone in the mansion who wore pink. He might have miscalculated in the sense that there were probably some Pokémon and assist trophies that were pink or were wearing pink, but were smart enough to run far away from Falcon as possible.

"Ha, ha, ha! At last, Captain Falcon has removed all the pink in the world! Sexism is over!"

Captain Falcon sounded so proud of himself as he laughed on the roof of Smash Brothers Mansion. Now the world could be at peace with the feminized color gone.

"…No. This is not over." Captain Falcon says turning toward the readers. A glint appeared in his eyes as he prepared a Falcon Punch. "There is only one more person to get rid of who wears pink!  _ **MYSELF**_!"

One had to wonder how you Falcon Punched yourself…

No one knew how it was possible seeing as how there was this huge explosion on the roof. Falcon punching yourself was like dividing by zero. Despite how impossible it was to do so, Captain Falcon managed to do it and it caused a distortion in the universe. It was so bad that the beings of Golden Land took notice.

"Oh, what the fuck is happening now?!" Prism asked as he finished messing with the Robin twins from another universe and had his pet kraken Coil throw them back to their universe with a baby kraken attaching itself to Robin's head. Hopefully that thing wouldn't grow too big since it seemed that this particular universe didn't have that powerful Smashers if Prism had an easy time having his kraken tentacle them until they apologized for hitting him.

"Prism, fix the problem now!" The blond sorcerer could hear Raven shout. "This blast might hit us!"

"Are you fucking serious?!"

Raven just wanted to facepalm at the stupidity going on in this timeline. If they all died because of Captain Falcon defying reality, then she should just ask him to Falcon Punch the Great Evil out of existence. Things would never be that easy though.

* * *

Robin and Shulk were screaming extremely loudly as they came falling from above. They had no idea where they had been heading after Captain Falcon had punched each. Regardless of that though both were hoping that they are safe after landing. It was strange to them that Douglas had been able to punch them hard enough that the tactician and seer had been in the air for at least five minutes. The turbulence was starting to get to Robin, but she should be ok once she gets her footing on the ground. Hopefully that would happen soon as it just does not seem logical for both to be in the air for so long. If anything based on the direction they were punched, the mage and swordsman should have hit Smashopolis by now.

Colliding face first into the ground, Robin groans as pain starts to emanate from the spot of impact. Barely is she able to see Shulk tumble on the ground and moan in agony. She spits out some grass and carefully stands up. Her eyes widen when she sees Captain Falcon, as well as Red, Calum, and a bunch of Piantas staring at her and Shulk like they are some sort of alien. The blond swordsman staggers to a standing position and nervously looks at the bounty hunter in front of him and his friend. There is something extremely off about this Falcon, the same can be said about Red and Calum, yet the Monado boy cannot figure out what it is for the life of him. Worried glances are exchanged between the tactician and swordsman as they try to figure out what's going on.

Calum snickers wildly like the Duck Hunt dog as he approaches Shulk, getting uncomfortably close. "Well, well, you haven't been tossed away yet monsieur, and yet, you come flying down from the sky!"

That statement confused the heir to the Monado. "W-what? Captain Falcon here just punched Robin and I away about five minutes ago! Rob can attest to that!"

Red casually rests his arm on the blond's shoulder. "Douglas here hasn't punched anyone today. Then there's also the fact that the Piantas here just got done throwing Robin and Robbi like they were part of Team Rocket."

Robin quirks an eyebrow in confusion. "Are you saying that there's another version of the Smash Brothers realm that exists allowing there to be more than one of us?"

Captain Falcon cracks his neck. "That would be a good conjecture there, Robin."

Both fighters look at each other and shudder anxiously. This is way beyond confusing and at this point neither Smasher knew how to get back to their universe at this point. Shulk knew if he were to be picked up by a Pianta he wouldn't get tossed far enough to get back, Robin on the other hand didn't trust the plant beings now that she is aware that her alternate self was sent blasting off. Perhaps this Falcon has the same mindset as the other from her world? On second thought, the tactician deems asking about it to be a bad idea. Maybe it would just be better to ask to be punched and hope to Naga the action still works like it did before.

"Excuse me, but can I ask something of you Captain Falcon?" Robin asks after watching some nearby Piantas throws Red and Calum.

Douglas looks at the mage. "How can I help you?"

Shulk shakes his head no; he knows what his friend is going to ask. He dreads the thought of getting another punch to the gut. The first one was strong enough that he feels that eating spicy food would not be a wise idea.

"Can you punch us? Like, put all the force you can behind that hand of yours and send Shulk and I back to our universe?"

A mischievous grin becomes apparent on the bounty hunter's face. He wanted to punch something today. Robin volunteers to go first just to test her hypothesis. She braces herself as the F-Zero racer reels back and clocks her straight in the jaw. The force behind the punch was so strong that not only did she go flying, but every drop of pink flew out of her hair and formed a small puddle on the ground reminiscent of melted ice cream or wet paint. Her screaming can be heard going into the distance as she is flung back. Unfortunately this little venture isn't going to go quite as easily with Shulk compared to his tactician friend. Knowing it wasn't as easy to send the Homs teen flying, Falcon has to reel back a little more and put more force into his punch. Yet it was oh so satisfying for the bounty hunter to see the young blond get hit so hard he flew out of his clothes in the most cartoon way possible. Carefully the pink garments float to the ground and settle next to Robin's hair dye puddle.

Douglas chuckles as he watches the two alternate fighters soar far and away before calling over the red and pink Villagers. "Hey kid, and Rosie, here's some clothes for you to take and do what you want with."

Both Villagers put on their most mischievous face and let out a silent giggle. It didn't take long for both to scoop up the displaced garments and stuff them away in their pockets. Rosie took Shulk's shoes, shorts and underwear while her companion took his shirt, vest, and socks. They were going to have a field day with these items.

* * *

The mansion was barren now with most of the Smashers being punched away from Smash Brothers Realm. The few who were left were trying to get in contact with Master Hand (and Mr. Game and Watch specifically wanted a raise given how many ceilings he would have to replace). Rob wasn't one of them though. The poor guy ended up walking endlessly down the empty hallway in a slump. He found Pittoo on the floor withering in pain due to feeling the full force of Pit's pain when Falcon Punched. Rob was kind enough to give the dark angel a piggyback, but there weren't that many places the white haired tactician could go.

So he ended up walking toward the front of the mansion and leaving through the front door. He would wait at the gate of Smash Brothers Mansion for a sign of anyone returning. He wished he was part of the group that actually left to go pick up a returning fighter. They wouldn't have to mess with the shenanigans going down.

"Uh…Pit…please come back…" Dark Pit could be heard whining after Rob set him down against the gate. "The pain isn't going away…"

"I'm just glad that nothing happened to me for once." Rob joked more to himself than the dark angel. "I wonder when everyone will get back from their space journey."

When he said that though, a scream could be heard from above. Rob and Dark Pit looked up to see Robin and Shulk coming down on them at an alarming rate. The dark angel slivered out of the way so he wouldn't get hit by either of them. Unintentionally, the white haired mage held out his hands in front of him to catch Shulk. Luck really was on Rob's side today because not only did he catch him, but the two ended up locking lips. This was made better with how the Monado boy was naked for some odd reason, but he wasn't going to complain. Of course, Robin was there too and she ended up landing head first and banging heads against her brother forcing the soft kiss to end. The trio ended up falling on top of each other in an awkward position.

"Well…you got your wish." Dark Pit murmured wondering what the hell just happened. "…But where's Chrom?"

Chrom didn't come back when he asked that question. Instead, the Smashers who were not in the mansion were returning. Besides, Charizard and Mewtwo apparently Little Mac went with them to pick up a familiar boy with blond hair. If there was no chaos, then Ness and the other Smasher children would have greeted the veteran Brawler. Instead, the group was met with the awkward scene in front of them.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?" The blond asked. "Wait…I don't even know any of you."

Dark Pit looked at the blond in confusion.

"Well…that's Robin, Robin, Shulk and Dark Pit. You four, this is Lucas." Little Mac introduced. "I wonder where everyone else is. Do you know Dark Pit?"

"Captain Falcon punched almost everyone into space…and then he punched himself from what he declared. No wonder we can't find him." Dark Pit growled. "Uhh…Pit…Lucina…please come back!"

Lucas looked at the mansion that he thought he would never return to and smirked. This was something that the old Lucas would never do, but then again, he was a changed person. Now, he would live life to the fullest unlike the Brawl era.

"…It's good to be back."

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Done with words. Before we even get to my notes, let me introduce you to AriZonia1 or Aria. 
> 
> Ari: Hi! I’m the one that wrote the portion that had to with Captain Falcon punching Shulk and Robin back to their universe. In my story “We’re a Chuckster!” Ginta and I made a deal we would have a minor crossover since both stories are very cracky, so that was me fulfilling my half of the joke. In my area I tried to portray the fact my Falcon is a bit calmer and collected compared to hers. There’s also the fact her Calum and Red are basically exact opposite of mine [I also call my X trainer ‘Calem’] with her Calum being serious and mine being a stereotypical French pervert. Also, we both call our Villager’s different names, her’s being K and Pink, while I call mine Axel and Rosie [Falcon calls him ‘kid’ to go with a joke that not many Smashers know his name is Axel and provide him with that nickname, he just rolls with it.] Finally, the “punching the pink out of Robin’s hair” is a joke from Scott Pilgrim where one character, Knives Chau, got punched so hard the highlights flew out of her hair. The Shulk being punched out of his clothes was just to be funny. This has been AriZonia, bye~.
> 
> Me: And there you have it folks! Now my notes!
> 
> 1\. I tried to get every Smasher mentioned in this story and I did have to see who had pink alternate colors. I know Little Mac has his pink hood, but I made the excuse that because he was getting Lucas with Mewtwo and Charizard (who both don’t have pink from what I can tell), that he’s safe. It is so funny how many people actually have pink as a color. Then again, Lemmy got hit because he had pink strands in his hair. 
> 
> 2\. I always considered the conversation Link might have with Captain Falcon concerning Mario Kart 8. He gets in despite never driving a car and Falcon only has his stage as playable and 200cc as a difficulty instead but nothing pertaining to Captain Falcon’s game. I can joke about the female Villager getting in though. 
> 
> 3\. When I first saw Dark Pit’s dark color swap that made him dark skinned, I thought it was Laharl from Disgaea even though there is no connection to either franchise. This alternate costume has a red scarf and the only color swap where his hair becomes bluer. The original concept art of Laharl did have a slighter dark skin tone than his later design and then of course, both have red eyes. 
> 
> And the reason why Dark Pit refuses to have a pink outfit is because if he’s already one of the most controversial characters to be in Smash 4, then why would he need a color that shows off femininity and get labeled a faggot constantly? 
> 
> 4\. Prism can’t seem to catch a break. How many people are in the Golden Land and how is he going to fix the damage Captain Falcon done? Well, he’ll do it…somehow.


End file.
